“You About to Lose Your Job!” - Ego-Based Suffering vs. Acceptance

Probably the hardest part of my individual performance coaching and culturally informed trauma work is getting clients to let go of their delusions and well-meaning fantasies about work and career.  They've believed in these fairytales so long that even when confronted with the reality of who or what is causing them great duress at work, it remains almost impossible to wrest free from long-held feelings of loss/grief they feel about how things at work should be or should have been.

The concept of radical acceptance is an effective intervention that I introduce to help my clients navigate the transition that they MUST make to reduce the impact of workplace trauma and embrace a reframed way of thinking and behaving that is geared toward protection and resilience, versus helping their enemies destroy them.

Even when “you about to lose yo job!” the change of mind or perception shift you must make may feel excruciating. One would think there is no greater motivation than the continued ability to pay your mortgage, rent, or feed your kids, but even that becomes a hard sell for a high performer's EGO/stubborn need to be right.

In stark contrast to a narcissist's delusional ego, a high performer has an enormous ego inflated by the facts of their black excellence experience, confirmed by years of achievement, accolades, earned promotions, and raises. And thus, the birth of a healthy ego. But as I've explained before in many of my TikTok posts, your ego can serve both as the foundation of your unshakeable resilience AND also the arbiter of your financial downfall, if you fail to subjugate it.

Meet Your EGO: 

A high performer's ego serves as a positive source of confidence and motivation, but can become a liability, leading to arrogance, an unwillingness to accept feedback, or a tendency to prioritize personal agendas/YOUR HURT FEELINGS over team success. A healthy ego fosters assertiveness, ambition, and resilience, while an unchecked ego can lead to delusional and narcissistic thinking, resulting in micromanagement, blame-shifting, damaged team collaboration, and repeated PIP-centered warnings/terminations.

Positive Roles of a High Performer's Ego

Confidence and Assertiveness: A strong ego can provide the self-assurance needed to pursue ambitious goals and believe in one's own abilities, which can inspire others.

Drive and Motivation: The ego can be a powerful fuel for high performance, driving individuals to succeed and outperform.

Resilience: A healthy ego can help individuals bounce back from setbacks and criticism by providing a belief in their long-term capabilities. 

Negative Roles of a High Performer's Ego

Arrogance and Hubris: An inflated ego causes a high performer to believe they are more important than they are, leading to a disregard for others' opinions and contributions.

Resistance to Feedback: An overactive ego (what I refer to as a delusional ego) can make individuals defensive and unwilling to accept constructive criticism, or professional help, even when they are paying for it, crippling their learning, healing, and growth.

Blame-shifting: An ego that struggles with failure may blame others for setbacks rather than take personal responsibility. “It’s all that co-worker’s fault”.

Interpersonal Conflict: An ego-driven high performer may become insensitive, uncooperative, and self-centered, creating a toxic team dynamic, which can undermine overall team performance and (also make you look like an asshole).

Distorted Self-perception: Your Ego can create an overly inflated, distorted self-image, leading to an overestimation of one's importance and a lack of self-awareness about how one's behavior affects others. It can also cause a high performer to ignore the natural unpredictability and dysfunction of workplaces and capitulate to their “feelings” of ENTITLEMENT to praise, adoration, and worship that is no longer, thereby orchestrating the devastating mental health impact of their own workplace trauma

How to Manage Your High-Performing EGO:

You have heard me say before that sometimes, when you are losing the battle of the wills between you and your employer (you have ended up on a performance Improvement plan (PIP) or targeted with serious microaggressions), you need to tell your ego to have several seats. Whether you can admit it right now or not, it's your ego that provoked you to be targeted by your employers' ire. Your survival, your ability to pivot, relies on removing your EGO as the primary driver of your behavior, so you can get out of your feelings into rationality, the strategic intelligence necessary to think your way out of your traumatizing workplace situation. A theoretical concept I introduce to my clients to help them actualize the behaviors to break free of the workplace trauma cycle is called radical acceptance, a “distress tolerance” skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I’ve nicknamed the concept of radical acceptance as “trauma balm” as it can soothe the pain of your workplace trauma, reduce your long-suffering tendencies, facilitate healing, and save your job.

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting reality, the truth, without judgment, even when it is painful or unwelcome. It is a distress tolerance skill that helps prevent pain from turning into prolonged suffering by acknowledging facts that you CAN NOT change, rather than resisting them. Practicing radical acceptance involves mindfulness and self-compassion to acknowledge your EMOTIONS without fighting, denying, or judging them, which can then free up brain cells to create change where possible. It facilitates you coming out of your (unproductive and self-serving) EMOTIONS.

Radical Acceptance/Your Trauma Balm

Accepting Reality: Fully acknowledging and accepting the present, even if it's difficult, uncomfortable, or something you wish were different. This is important for those of you who hate change.

Reducing Suffering: Allowing you to recognize that while pain is a part of life, resisting it can turn that pain into a greater, more enduring form of self-torture.

• Taking the first step: Recognize that accepting reality is often the first step needed before you can effectively change what is within your control.

• Understand that acceptance is not the same as approval: It does not mean you approve of, condone, or resign yourself to the negative situation (you being targeted with racist microaggressions). Read that again.

Practicing Radical Acceptance

1. Notice and acknowledge: Pay attention to your feelings and reactions to a difficult situation without trying to ignore or suppress them. (I hate my supervisor!) It’s okay to have the feelings, but it’s dysfunctional to torture yourself with them.

2. Let go of judgment: Recognize that the situation is as it is, and try to let go of judgments like "This is sooo unfair" or "Why is this happening to me? I do more than anyone else around here."  Facts: workplaces are “favoritism” hunger games, and no more a promise of fair treatment for you than it was for your ancestors.

3. Practice mindfulness: Use mindfulness techniques to stay present and aware of the facts of the situation AND your emotional response. Remember that feelings ARE NOT facts. They are merely your biased perception of what you think has or “should have” happened.

4. Be compassionate with yourself: Accept your own difficult emotions and experiences with self-compassion, rather than harsh self-judgment.

5. Accept the past: Acknowledge past events that you cannot change, which frees up mental energy to focus on the TRUTH of the present and future. For example, things at work are ALWAYS changing…new performers will be hired, whether you deem them qualified or not, you may not get the credit you think you deserve for your efforts, and you cannot control anyone else’s performance but your own.

Your Choice Beloved is as Follows: You About to Lose Your Job OR...

You Can Pivot with Radical Acceptance:

Personally, as a high-performing O.G., I have learned to always acknowledge my emotional pain vs. the self-flailing of extended suffering. Radical acceptance is about acknowledging pain without letting it become long-term suffering. (Read that again.)

I have also learned the difference between acceptance vs. approval. It is not about liking or approving of a situation (my workplace abuse), it is about recognizing its REALITY so that I can break free from the past (WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE) and move forward.

Radical Acceptance can help you force the perception and behavioral shift that your dire circumstances require. Still, if your damn EGO (your feelings and your need to be a KNOW-IT-ALL) needs to fight to your financial death to prove you're right and your organization is wrong....I'll be the first one to let you go right ahead.

Concepts You Need to Consider ACCEPTING

(Remember that acceptance is not approval.)

1. My workplace is like The Hunger Games. It will NEVER be a fair, normal, or healthy place for a Black high performer.

2. My supervisor/my coworkers DO NOT LIKE ME due to my overperforming, my referent power (the power to influence others), and my intimidating personality (because I'm always unbothered, will say "no", and will not participate in office gossip or politics).

3. For me, an African American high performer, an unhealthy, racist workplace will always result in my workplace trauma.

4. Unless I first change the way I think and navigate, I will end up suffering through the process of an embarrassing performance improvement plan or ultimately lose my job.

5. I CANNOT change anything in my current workplace except myself.

6. I am NOT my 9-5 job. The way I earn my paycheck is NOT my sole identity because I am much more than what I do for a living. (When you believe you are your career, you grant all the power to your racist employer/supervisor/coworkers to rattle your self-esteem with micro/macroaggressions.

7. I need to PIVOT and find something outside my 9-5 that I can pour all my high-performing energy into.

   
   

   Once you can "accept" these difficult truths WITHOUT ARGUMENT or self-pity, your healing will begin.