Why We Can’t Just Get TF Over Workplace Trauma

What to do about your horribly traumatizing situation at work, when you’ve tried denying it, deep breathing it away, ignoring or repressing your anger and grief, as well as venting to others about it, but you "just can't get tf over it"? It starts with understanding that we CANNOT just power through having a traumatized brain and dysregulated nervous system. You can't just “get tf over it” because the long-term chronic abuse you experience at the hands of undercover racists at work changes your brain's chemistry and pathways.

Your brain has already registered your daily psychological abuse as trauma if you’ve recognized the mental and physical signs and symptoms of trauma such as; that feeling of dread before going into work, ruminating over what you should’ve said or could’ve said to someone who was throwing sarcastic, micro aggression your way, the anxiety and heart palpitations right before the meeting where your narcissistic supervisor is going to try their best to embarrass you or confuse you. No matter how much of a superwoman you think you are, these are the signs that your brain has experienced trauma, autonomically responding with the well-known fight, flight, or freeze responses, and that your well-intended efforts to power through, as our ancestors had no choice but to do, are simply not working. 

Ruminating and overthinking are psychological signs that your traumatized brain is on a trauma loop, so you might need to go about it a little bit differently than our ancestors and relatives did when they tried praying it away or shoving it down as if trauma is a normal, sufferable condition of everyday living. For them, their trauma coping response reflected a different time. We didn’t understand the impact of trauma on the brain or have the interventive resources that we have today. Today, we better understand that as a black woman, we start by inheriting our ancestors' generational trauma, which, when combined with childhood trauma at the hands of our toxic, neglectful, narcissistic parents, or “drunk uncle molesters”, especially if left unresolved, creates the perfect storm for becoming a trauma target in our toxic workplaces. This is especially true for the people-pleasing high performers I referenced in my last article, who became “overly agreeable performers” to mitigate the threat to their safety, a coping response to their unresolved childhood trauma.

Please know that workplace trauma stress extends beyond typical job stress and manifests as behavioral, emotional, and physical indicators that signal a shift towards a more profound traumatic response. 

Here are more early warning signs of workplace trauma, according to Psychology Today:

• Brain fog

• Avoidance 

• Isolation 

• Changes in productivity 

• Increased substance use (self-medication with food, alcohol, drugs, or shopping)

• Chronic anxiety

• Rumination/perseveration

• Emotionality or numbness 

• Irritability 

• Changes in self-perception (I refer to this as identity amnesia)

• Intrusive thoughts 

• Fatigue 

• Sleep disturbances 

• Physical ailments like gastrointestinal issues

If you follow me on Tik Tok you already know that I equate our workplaces with the dog-eat-dog shenanigans of the Hunger Games, and you also have discovered that it is nothing like what you thought work was going to be. You successfully earned all of your degrees, certifications, and promotions because our elders told us that all we would have to do to succeed was to work hard. You rightly assumed that you would be given the proper respect and due based on the quality of your performance, which you have proven time and time again, is always exceptional. 

Unfortunately, none of that is true, beloved. Firstly, based on the existence of traumatized coworkers in your workplace, folks with unrealized and unresolved trauma (hurt people hurt people), and then combined with the neurotic, psychotic nature of organizations themselves. As a former senior organizational development consultant and subject matter expert on organizational psychology, organizational systemic and cultural factors can produce a pervasive, unhealthy work culture, causing complex trauma (PTSD) over time through chronic stress. 

Organizational dysfunction looks like:

• Toxic leadership- abusive, narcissistic, or overly authoritarian managers.

• Lack of psychological safety- employees fear speaking up or being themselves.

• Poor communication- lack of transparency, gossipy.

• Discrimination- micro and macro aggressions, harassment, intimidation, and bullying.

• Unfair practices and unethical behavior- different rules for the favored or disfavored employees (us).

• Organizational errors- systemic failures or errors, such as ignoring safety warnings or mismanagement, can lead to distrust and a sense of betrayal (called "betrayal trauma").

• Mediocre performance standards- high performers are perceived as threats/become targets of dissatisfaction and are often punished or removed for producing a higher standard of deliverables.

• Cultural trauma-stereotype breaking as the first or the only Black woman, suffering the ignorance and discomfort of supervisors and coworkers who have never before worked with a high-performing Black woman.

Part of not being able to "just get tf over it” is not truly understanding what “it” is, so let me explain. As Black women, we’ve managed to, against all societal odds of generational trauma, blatant racism, inequity, injustice, and rampant favoritism towards folk who don’t look like us, earn a good job or promotion. We’ve done everything that we thought we were supposed to do, you’ve made yourself proud, and maybe your parents proud too. As hard-working high performers, we never expected to be handed anything at work not hard-earned. We’re here every day, don’t take much PTO, arrive early, leave late, always volunteering to go the extra mile, but what I’ve mentioned to you before is that all of that going above we do, making it look easy, triggers the low-performing mediocre folks who’ve gotten away all these years with average and below average performance. Thus, average performance becomes normalized and accepted as good as it gets. Then you join the team with your accomplishments, experience, and unflappable confidence in your abilities as a high performer, and everybody, and I repeat everybody, is triggered. 

I’ve made several TikTok posts about how you unintentionally and intentionally trigger your desperately envious co-workers who consequently MUST act to eliminate the threat (YOU). I want you to conduct a little experiment tomorrow morning when you're getting dressed for work. Pop in front of the mirror and take a good, long look at how fantastic you look, dressed to the nines, head high, shoulders back, enviable accessories, flawless brows, confusing them with changing hair styles, absolute perfection, dripping with “I’m the ish” confidence. The image looking back at you is the absolute “non-verbal” cause of and reason for your mediocre-performing boss being triggered (all in their feelings about how being in your presence triggers their feelings of inadequacy), every time you enter the building. Add to the equation “opening your mouth” of which the genius spills out of, and those white folks are completely DONE with YOU. Ironically, what you are expected to "just get tf over” is their inability or unwillingness to manage the workplace impact of their own unresolved personal trauma and lack of emotional regulation. In other words, it's their problem that becomes yours to resolve.

The really depressing reality that I’ve tried to break to you gently over the last few months is that this will always be the case, which is one reason that “just getting tf over” your today's workplace trauma will not work for your future workplace trauma, which is surely guaranteed as long as you remain the unicorn that you are. Additionally, many personal factors impact how we experience and resolve trauma, including our individual trauma biographies, unresolved trauma or PTSD, levels of resiliency, emotional regulation abilities, and access to tools and resources for recovery and practiced trauma management. 

Let me make it very clear that despite the misinformed expectations of family friends and co-workers, you are NOT expected to ever “just get tf over” your traumatized brain except by those who are old-fashioned, ill-informed, and ignorant with motivations to shame and embarrass you, vs. supporting you. 

Here is how to lovingly care for your traumatized brain:

1. Snap out of your denial: Despite even gaslighting yourself…You are NOT superwoman. You are human. If you experience any of the symptoms listed above, you HAVE been traumatized. Workplace racism is trauma.

2. Forgive yourself for what I refer to as “getting got”: (severely traumatized requiring FMLA/STD or terminated from your job). The evil intentions of workplace narcissists trap even the most experienced, highly qualified of us. Trust, once you forgive yourself (by managing your ego), you will realize you are in good company. It’s not that you fell at the twisted, vindictive hands of your NARC, but it’s that and how you rise. 

3. Create a “Yes, I’ve been traumatized by my job” strategic response plan. Use your problem-solving skills to develop a plan for how to address the “problem” of your trauma. 

   • Ask for help from a qualified, culturally informed, trauma-focused professional

   • Develop a RESILIENCE self-care plan (referred to in my other

     blog post), which builds your protective factors and reduces your risk factors

4. Acknowledge your accountability and personal power in the triggering of all current and future insecure, untalented, underperforming co-workers and bosses. You can stop wondering why you are a target and playing the victim. As a high-performing Black woman, learning to accept the reality or the unfortunate consequences of your wielding immense talent, intimidating confidence, and flawless execution of performance with exceptional ease will become your next most powerful PROTECTIVE FACTOR.