The Psychology of High Performing Skin-folk Who are NOT Your Kinfolk

Beloveds, there's no honest and authentic discussion of the harsh realities of workplace trauma for high performers without a comprehensive understanding, acknowledgement and acceptance that sometimes the greatest heartbreak and betrayal comes at the hands of our own. You know from my previous Tik-Tok posts on the topic, Auntie Therapist’s straight-no-chaser communication style makes me the perfect high performer to introduce this culturally painful conversation.

As a clinician and an executive performance coach,  I've heard much testimony of how you’ve turned to an African American co-worker or older Black female senior leader, thrilled that finally you were not the only or one of a few, hope-filled that you might get to benefit from the same privilege to which non-minorities have access. You thought that finally, you’d have an opportunity to be mentored, coached and championed by someone who both has your high performing personality AND understands your woman of color experience, your struggle and your obstacle-strewn journey. Then bam!, instead of camaraderie, compassion, empathy and leadership direction, you experience the exact opposite, shock, disillusionment, disorientation, and heartbreak, all traumatizing responses…including the cold shoulder, salty indifference or covert/blatant sabotage efforts seemingly fueled by jealousy. Wow, and you never saw it coming from someone who looks exactly like you.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am that BETRAYAL has been your experience at the hands of those who know EXACTLY how hard it is to even survive let alone thrive as a high performing black woman in the work place and disappoint and sabotage you anyway.

Just as it was important to me that you understood that your workplace trauma as a high performer has NOTHING to do with you doing anything wrong, it’s important to me that you also understand that this kind of BETRAYAL and REJECTION by our own, also has NOTHING to do with you. The character flawed dysfunction is solely theirs and theirs alone. For me, as a strategic THINKER, it's imperative that I understand what drives people’s behaviors towards me. Only then, can I design an effective response. So my gift today is to make it plain for you what makes those workplace skin-folk behave like the character Samuel L. Jackson played in the movie Django, Stephen, the slave/overseer. The resounding international emotional reaction to his character’s behavior was that the turning on his own was absolutely DESPICABLE!. This same reviling is analogous to the revocation of the Black cards now happening to entertainer skin-folk in social media real time who have made CHOICES to align themselves with those perceived as our political nemeses, such as 50 Cent, Nelly, Snoop Dog and Nicki Minaj. In essence, these skin-folk just like the ones in your workplace, have opted to NOT be kinfolk. I use “opt” as in “opt out” because make no mistake, their behavior was a conscious CHOICE, perhaps ill-informed, but nevertheless, willful and intentional.

I’m going to spare you most of the psychological mumbo jumbo but still equip you with enough knowledge to be able to quickly discern what is happening to you and WHY, the next time an insecure, self hating, sista who is confronting impending irrelevance as she faces her own career sunset, tries to land a knife in your unsuspecting and undeserving back, leaving you scarred with workplace PTSD.

Please understand, the intention of this article to NOT to make excuses for their triflin’ behavior but to establish the “facts” of possible motivations. As a behaviorist, I understand the fundamentals, that most behaviors are driven and sustained by the receipt of PAYOFFS or benefits so it always behooves me to understand what drives their dysfunctional behavioral responses.

Now, to be exceptionally clear, I myself AM the senior executive woman that research attempts to explain, but the reason I mentioned “choice” earlier or more importantly as “free will”, is that I too have been horribly traumatized in the workplace but made the CHOICE to mentor black female high performers for my entire work career. Why? Because NO Black woman ever voluntarily mentored me (I have secured mentorship by requesting it and also purchasing it.) My behavior demonstrates that trauma effects everyone differently. I was traumatized but instead of becoming a hostage to a negative, unconscious trauma response, I made a conscious CHOICE to reconcile my own trauma so as NOT to be defined by it and instead to be guided by my honorable character.

What you are about to read and perhaps interpret as “excuses/reasons” for why they rebuke you instead OF HELPING YOU is instead a summation of their possible responses to their own workplace trauma. But let it be known, that because I made the CHOICE to convert 45 years of workplace trauma into something good, they can too. I knew first hand what it was like to experience racism at work back when blatant racism was “in style” (the norm). I singlehandedly founded and grew a national training and consulting firm in Seattle Washington back in 1984 with short nappy hair, new to the city and with absolutely NO funding, professional contacts, mentors, coaches or champions. So why in God’s name would I put anyone else through that by refusing to help them when I know the good Lord has equipped me with the courage, skills and talents to help?? 

I confess that in this instance of kinfolk who are NOT kinfolk at work, two things are true at once. I both understand why they fail you AND at the same time detest that they fail you. 

Aside from your feelings about it, here are the facts about why skin-folk opt out of being your workplace kinfolk:

Research on the topic, suggests that ethnic minorities turning on their own, a phenomenon often tied to internalized racism or horizontal hostility, is a complex reaction to systemic oppression, the pursuit of social mobility, and the adoption of dominant group ideologies. This behavior is frequently a survival or coping mechanism designed to navigate discriminatory environments rather than a reflection of true group sentiment. 

Key Issues:

1. Internalized Racism and Stereotype Adoption:

• Minorities may subconsciously accept, adopt, and act on the negative stereotypes and prejudices that the dominant culture holds about their own group. 

• Self-Denigration: By devaluing their own heritage, group members may attempt to dissociate themselves from negative stereotypes.

• Psychological Impact: This process is associated with heightened psychological distress, anxiety, and depression (trauma). 

2. The "Model Minority" Myth and Group Differentiation:

• Members of one minority group may act against another (or within their own group) to align themselves with the dominant group, often through the "model minority" myth. 

• "Honorary White" Status: Some groups may seek to gain higher social status by distancing themselves from other, more heavily stigmatized minority groups.

3. Identity Shifting and Assimilation

• To avoid judgment, discrimination, or to facilitate assimilation, minorities may alter their appearance, mannerisms, or speech to align with the dominant culture. 

• Survival Strategy: "Identity shifting" is used as a coping mechanism to mitigate the impact of bias, which may involve rejecting in-group norms.

• Proximity to Whiteness: The pursuit of safety or economic advantage can lead to "anti-Blackness" among other People of Color (POC) as a means of seeking acceptance in predominantly white settings. 

4. Psychological Stress and "Black Sheep Effect"

• Constant exposure to racial discrimination can cause minority members to devalue their own group. 

• Internalized Oppression: The "black sheep effect" occurs when people treat members of their own group more harshly than outsiders to prove their adherence to positive, non-stigmatized norms. 

5. Socioeconomic and Cultural Factors

• Competition for Resources: In highly competitive environments, members of a minority group may compete with one another for limited resources, leading to internal conflict (competing with you for accolades and atta girls from management). 

• These behaviors are considered forms of "horizontal hostility," where aggression is directed toward one's own group rather than to the perceived superior or majority group (a cowardly choice).

Key issues identified in research about senior Black female executives include:

Research on high performing black female executives indicates that the lack of mentorship from older Black female executives toward younger Black women is rarely due to a simple unwillingness to help, but is rather a complex outcome of intense corporate survival pressures, scarcity of positions, and the unique, taxing "double bind" of racism and sexism they navigate.

Primary Reasons:

1. Survival Mode and "Only One" Syndrome

• Older Black female executives often operate in a "survive and advance" mode, leaving little time or emotional energy for mentorship. (Boomers, Gen X, Millennials)

• High-Stakes Environment: Many are "the only one" in their workplace or leadership tier, creating immense pressure to perform, which makes them hyper-focused on maintaining their own position.

• The Glass Cliff: They are often placed in leadership roles during crises, (black women as clean-up women) increasing the pressure and scrutiny they face, which consumes their focus.

• Constant Scrutiny: Black women in leadership are held to higher standards than their white counterparts and must constantly work to maintain credibility, leaving little room for error or mentoring (the run faster/jump higher syndrome). 

• “The harsh reality is that society doesn't respect black women and this tends to carry over into the board room... once they get there they are so busy surviving, fighting to get heard and to be respected that most of them don't even have time to mentor.”

2. The Scarcity Mindset and "Queen Bee" Syndrome

Because there are so few Black women in the C-suite (only 1 in 20 women of color hold these positions, and specifically for Black women, it is much lower), a scarcity mindset can develop. 

• Fear of Replacement: Some senior women may feel threatened by younger, talented, or "high-performing" women, viewing them as potential replacements rather than protégés.

• Affinity Contradiction: This phenomenon, where increased shared identity within a group can ironically lead to decreased helping behaviors (or "hurting" behaviors), is driven by the fear of being replaced. 

3. Lack of Proper Mentorship in Their Own Journey 

Many older Black female executives achieved their positions without the help of other Black women, which shapes their perspective on mentorship. 

• Lack of Role Models: In their earlier careers, there were few, if any, Black women above them, meaning they often relied on white male mentors or had to navigate the corporate structure alone.

• "Nobody Helped Me" Mentality: Having survived by fending for themselves, some may feel that younger women should endure the same challenging journey to gain necessary strength and resilience. 

4. Limited Institutional Support and Time 

Corporate structures rarely incentivize or support mentorship, especially for those navigating complex intersecting identities. 

• No Time/Compensation: Mentorship takes time and effort, and there is rarely compensation or recognition for it, making it an unpaid, "emotional labor" cost.

• Lack of Structure: Organizations often fail to provide formal, structured programs that facilitate these relationships, leaving mentorship to happen informally. 

5. Generational Differences in Approach

There is often a disconnect in the understanding of mentorship between different generations of Black women. (Millennials, Gen Z, Gen Alpha)

• Different Strategies: Older executives might prioritize "playing the game" and assimilation to organizational norms, while younger women may look for more radical sponsorship and advocacy.

• "Reverse Mentorship" Shift: Younger employees (Millennials/Gen-Z/Gen Alpha) are pushing for a new model of "reverse mentorship," which can cause friction with traditional, top-down mentorship expectations.

• Contextual Factors: It is important to note that these barriers are not universal. Many Black women are committed to "lifting as they climb". However, studies suggest that when mentoring is absent, it is primarily due to the "double bind" of intersectional racial and gender bias that forces Black women into defensive, survival-oriented professional behaviors. 

COLORISM- No conversation on this topic would be completely honest without mentioning the role that colorism can play if/when skin-folk turn on you. Colorism is a deeply rooted form of prejudice within the Black community that discriminates against women with darker skin tones in favor of those with lighter, closer-to-white complexions. Originating from slavery and colonial structures, it functions as a NOW internalized, systemic issue that impacts socioeconomic status, educational opportunities, and mental health. Additionally, darker-skinned women (now culturally traumatized) often face exclusion prejudice and harsher evaluation of performance.

I have worked with many high performing Black women who were targeted not only for their brilliant performance but also for their fairer skin color (and good hair) by darker complected senior Black women. I also encountered darker skinned clients who have been conditioned to feel inferior to as well as anticipate being treated differently by their light-skinned co-workers. Please know this. Colorism is a generational TRAUMA RESPONSE. When we consciously or unconsciously factor a fellow high performer's skin tone into a workplace conversation/situation related to their performance, we are perpetuating generational trauma AND truly need Jesus.

I would also recommend an emergency appointment with your trauma informed therapist.

Now I'm certain that understanding the psychology of traitorous Black folk might not change your feelings about them but my point is that being in your “feelings” about it will prevent you from crafting an efficacious response to their betrayal/rejection. When it happens to you again, you must decide if you're going to give the rejection/betrayal the time of day (be traumatized by it) by perseverating about the WHY (after I just told you the why-institutional racism based trauma or a serious character flaw of that particular person), OR will you chalk it up to experience/wisdom and move on (sans trauma). 

As a naturally compassionate and empathetic person, I understand how workplaces produce nothing but dysfunctional, self preserving, hunger games/survival of the fittest type organizational behavior but even within the very worst of circumstances, the uniquely human option of exercising “free will” equips ALL of us with the ability to CHOOSE to RISE above the dysfunction our trauma responses. Skin-folk at work owe the ancestors who sacrificed everything so they could sit in the C-suite wearing Chanel and red bottoms, a tremendous debt. All the “Stephens and Nicki Minaj’s” in the workplace need to first learn better and then Do better.