THE MARRIAGE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA TO YOUR WORKPLACE TRAUMA

If you follow me on TikTok, you've learned that I am a proud black sheep (a former identified patient/scapegoated by my family's efforts to divert attention from how screwed up the family system was) now transformed into an accomplished, elite performer.  My experience of being targeted by my family as the "problem child" is not unique. There are millions of us around the world. While overcoming the negativity of my traumatic childhood trauma to earn the status of a formidable high performing Black woman, I have also discovered from working with scores of high-performing Black women, that what is unique is that I now understand that I am a high performer as a direct result of my childhood trauma as my family's identified patient (what it's called in clinical nomenclature).

At around age 13, I quite innocently became the highest performer in my family (an academic straight A student, public speaker and leader always getting “you’re so pretty” compliments from relatives and strangers, the bravest/not afraid to call my mother out on her unstable mental health/narcissistic tendencies), tragically triggering my mother's revelation as a jealous, narcissistic, insecure mother, who also became my very first “bully”.  She was later followed by my jealous, narcissistic, darker-complexioned, non-college-educated, insecure about her looks, sister, aka my second “bully”. Both of my parents as Virgos, were exceptionally “critical”, deeming it nearly impossible for their children to do anything right or ever be good enough. 

Later, resiliently, I became the most courageous, first to leave home traveling to see the country, dating outside of my race, the most educated, the most publicly acclaimed (featured in newspapers, on the radio, and on TV shows), and the first entrepreneur (non-wage slave) by building a successful national training and consulting firm by age 34. Oops, contrary to their plan, I'd become my family's WORST nightmare; a high performer that challenged everything they felt about their own inadequacies.

Thanks to my own family of origin, I learned quite early how to identify and navigate insecure narcissistic bullies, which prepared me well with the skills to manage future NARCs in my workplaces who would predictably also be triggered to show themselves as soon as my intelligence, talents, fearlessness, accomplishments and referent power showed up thereby showing them out. 

This article is dedicated to helping you understand how your childhood trauma, regardless of your specific trauma, can predict your destiny as an overperformer and high achiever at work.

I’ll start with my fellow black sheep who became your family’s identified target only because you too, were “different” from your parents or siblings. I hope to help you understand that if you emerged triumphantly from your childhood trauma, through their efforts to divert the focus away from the family system's dysfunction by diminishing and minimizing you, they unintentionally equipped you with a valuable “gift”. The psychological literature suggests that black sheep are frequently high achievers, financially savvy, and RESILIENT precisely because we had to forge our own paths.

The archetype of the black sheep is closely associated with later success due to the development of unique, unconventional, and resilient skill sets.

Characteristics of Black Sheep

• High Achievement Drivers: Often viewed as the "black sheep" for going against the grain, we typically develop high levels of independence, self-reliance, and adaptability, which can lead to significant career success and financial stability.

  
  

• The "Black Sheep Paradox": To achieve high success, we often resist the temptation to follow the herd, with many successful people, companies, and technologies originating as "black sheep".

  
  

• Resilience and Innovation: Because we are forced to rely on inner conviction rather than external validation, black sheep often become innovators who challenge norms and bring fresh perspectives.

  
  

• Workplace Dynamics: In toxic workplaces, those of us who are labeled as "black sheep" are often the ones who speak up and, despite being targets, may become strong, truth-telling leaders.

  
  

• Scapegoat to Success: While often initially acting as a family scapegoat, we often turn our experiences into a motivation to build a better life, becoming, in some cases, the most financially successful member. 

The inverted-u-shaped relationship between adversity and resilience. 

High-Performing People Pleasers-

Perhaps your childhood trauma was at the hands of an overly critical, strict, or religious parent, producing a survival trauma response of “pleasing people” resulting in your people-pleasing high performer workplace persona Or.. maybe your childhood was defined by a physically or emotionally absent parent, leaving you with attachment trauma, which also can convert into high performing tendencies in the hope of making it appear that you are indeed “worthy” of attention, accolades, and unconditional acceptance, even though your triflin' dad dumped you and your mom. Whatever the ways in which your little soul was wounded in childhood, STILL... you survived and resiliently transformed experiences that were meant to break you so your traumatizers could feel more comfortable in the presence of your brilliance. Research indicates that childhood adversity has an inverted u-shaped relationship with resilience. Individuals who experience low to moderate levels of adversity tend to develop higher levels of resilience, which positively predicts career success.

Childhood Trauma and Leadership Qualities

Childhood adversity often seeds the development of several key qualities that are highly valued in leaders. 

1. Resilience and Adaptability

• Strength from Struggle: Those of us who have faced significant challenges during childhood often develop a high level of resilience. We have learned to cope with and overcome difficulties, which makes us highly adaptable in the workplace.

  
  

• Problem-Solving Skills: Experiencing adversity can sharpen problem-solving abilities, as we have often had to find creative solutions to navigate through tough situations.

  
  

2. A Strong Work Ethic

• Determination: We have endured hardships and developed a strong drive to succeed. We often have a deep sense of determination and are willing to put in the hard work necessary to achieve our goals.

  
  

• Commitment: We tend to be highly committed and dedicated, having learned the value of persistence and perseverance from our past experiences.

  
  

3. Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

• Understanding Others: Experiencing adversity often enhances our ability to empathize with others. We are often more compassionate and understanding toward colleagues and clients.

• Emotional Awareness: We typically have a higher emotional intelligence, which allows us to navigate interpersonal relationships effectively and manage our own emotions well.

  
  

4. Resourcefulness

• Making the Most of Resources: Childhood adversity often forces us to be resourceful and make the most of limited resources. This skill translates well into the workplace, where we can innovate and maximize efficiency.

  
  

• Quick Thinking: Our ability to think on our feet and respond quickly to challenges is often honed by our experiences of dealing with unexpected and difficult situations.

Dealing with Your Childhood Trauma vs. Trying to Ignore it (repression)

The ability to transform your childhood trauma into personality characteristics and skills that can be used to navigate your success in business and in the workplace is contingent upon your successful resolution of that trauma via your level of healing effort. if in fact, your trauma remains unresolved, you might have acquired some of the aforementioned high performer skills, abilities, and qualities, but because of the trauma remaining unresolved, you end up repeatedly sabotaging yourself in ways in which the original trauma was seeded.  

This leads to being periodically confused, depressed, and unaware of how and why you're stuck in a loop of self-sabotage as a high performer despite the skills and talents that you know you have acquired.  A good example is a "high-performing people pleaser". High performing people pleasers (see blog post for article) are currently high performers because they developed a survival-based trauma response to their childhood trauma of doing whatever was necessary to please others (extreme performance) to ward off criticism, bullying, and punishment, or to produce love, attention, appreciation, and “atta girls”.

DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF! Your unresolved childhood trauma will ALWAYS find its way to unconsciously linking up with/marrying itself to the way you experience your current workplace trauma. That's why it's important to understand the following:

1. What trauma did you experience as a child or in early adulthood?

2. What role has your childhood trauma played in how you show up at work?

3. Is it unresolved childhood trauma that is triggering your repeated high performer workplace trauma experiences making you an easy target for your workplace NARCS?

   
   

Regardless of what kind of trauma you survived as a child, the point is YOU SURVIVED. Your key to recovery and trauma resolution in adulthood is understanding exactly how your trauma altered your cognitive functioning as well as your personality and ALL of your relationships from back then to today. Now that you're a grown ass woman, please know that the protective trauma responses your young brain created back then to help you survive is WAY past due for an update in the same way your IPhone needs regular updates. Trauma recovery first requires awareness, and then help to identify replacement behaviors and finally the raising of your protective factors to boost your functional RESILIENCY. Okay Beloved, until next time, stay safe in these workplace streets. ❤️

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